


The one where Johanna has dysphoria

by Anonymous



Series: lesbian aus no one asked for [4]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Body Image, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Genderswap, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, also me? projecting onto johanna?, although this is about dysphoria so it's a genderswap with gender issues, how meta, it's more likely than you think, this isn't great but I regret nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 11:50:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18468373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Johanna starts struggling with her body and doesn't know how to begin explaining it to her band mates.





	The one where Johanna has dysphoria

**Author's Note:**

  * For [demmmy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/demmmy/gifts).



> I've had this kicking around in my google drive for a while now but I haven't posted it because 1. It's not really a lesbian one shot since there's no shipping in it and 2. I get that dysphoria is one of those topics that can get pretty controversial and I didn't want to bring any discourse into what's meant to be a fun au series. However I've just finished reading demmmy's fantastic "No meaning in my pretending" and it inspired me to post this so go read it because it's great 💗

Johanna looks up at the man on stage and tries to suffocate the dull ache of jealousy growing inside her. She wouldn’t consider herself an expert on what counts as “handsome” but she knows that from an objective point of view the lead singer is good looking. He’s all tall and dark, with sculpted lips and thick eyebrows, and chiselled abs under his open shirt. Not entirely what Johanna thinks she wants, but watching him up there she can’t help but feel a deep set uncomfortable resentment that she doesn’t wholly understand. 

It had been Regina who’d suggested they go see this band; they’re not big, she’d said, but they’ve got potential. Could be important in the future. Which they might be, Johanna thinks- Their music’s catchy, and they’ve got a nice stage presence. Nice enough that to her right a girl in stilettos and a tank top is doing her best to lean as far over the barrier as she can in an effort to get the lead singers attention. 

Johanna crosses her arms tightly over her chest and bites her tongue. 

For once it’d be nice if she could go out and enjoy herself without this happening. But as she stands looking up at the men on stage she can feel it seeping in, its like her blood is turning to oil and her ribs are crumbling. Her whole body feels disgusting and she’s acutely aware of every part of it 

This overall discomfort with her body had crept up on her slowly and then all at once. One year she’d been fine with herself- sure she’d had some self esteem issues but then what young woman doesn’t have those?- and then over the last few months its turned into something of an obsession. 

It’s in everything she does, both public and private. When she goes to the shops with Melina she drives herself crazy thinking about the way other people are looking at her, and when she showers at home she has to do it with the lights off so she can see as little of herself as possible. 

But the worst part of the entire thing might be the way it’s affecting her relationship with her bandmates. 

In the past Johanna wouldn’t have ever said she was jealous of Brianna. But now she envies her almost everything- her height, her androgynous features, her flat chest. It doesn’t happen often but sometimes when they’re in a dark club an unsuspecting straight girl or a bartender will mistake her for a man, and even though it really doesn’t happen a lot Johanna would still take that over never. 

And it’s not just Brianna who makes her jealous. Melina’s petite and slender but at least she’s got a defined jaw line and broad shoulders. At least she’s somewhat handsome. Even Regina with her large blue eyes and soft features looks more masculine than Jo; she’s short and curvy but toned, with well defined muscles and a way of walking that makes everyone get out of her way. 

Johanna by comparison is thin and willowy. Not stunning, but she knows her long eyelashes, full lips and svelte figure are too pretty to ever be mistaken for anything other than female features. Which is more than a shame because she’d settle for androgyny if she could. She’d settle for anything other than this. 

Jo takes one last look at the man on stage and then goes to find a drink. She doesn’t know how to deal with what she’s feeling but she does know that alcohol will at least numb it for a while. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 

Two weeks later and Johanna’s rehearsing with her own band. Or she would be if Melina hadn’t decided that now would be the perfect time to start paying Brianna compliments. Which is fine, because Brianna does look particularly nice today in a new almost medieval shirt she’d managed to snag from Regina and Melina’s market stall, but Melina’s decision to state- “Dear you look fabulous. Positively handsome almost” - is like a physical blow for Johanna. 

Because the words are directed at someone else, and she knows no one will ever use “handsome” in reference to her. 

Apparently her thoughts are evident on her face because Melina then rolls her eyes and says “Oh don’t look at me like that Deaky. I was complimenting Brianna, not insulting you. There’s no need to be jealous” And as if to make things worse she adds “If it’ll make you feel better you’re one of the prettiest women I’ve ever laid my eyes on”

“You really think so?” Johanna tries to keep her voice steady and concentrate on unpacking her bass.

“Oh don’t be ridiculous, you’ve got these huge brown eyes and thick hair and you’re… I don’t know how to put this politely…”

“I think what Melina’s trying to say is that you’ve got huge tits. That was it right?” Cuts in Brianna bluntly. 

Melina nods enthusiastically “You have a very renaissance look to you”

“Hm” Johanna turns her attention back to her instrument. She feels sort of sick. She regrets probing the issue further when she should've known it was only going to make her feel worse. 

Sensing that something’s not quite right Melina crouches down beside her, now concerned “What? Do you not believe me?”

Johanna sighs “I don’t know Mel. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to get this practice done”

Regina and Brianna utter their agreements but Melina now seems incapable of dropping the issue. 

“But…” Protests the singer. 

From her position behind the drum kit Regina twirls a drumstick irritably “Jo’s right. Come on, we’ve got things to do”

“No. We can’t possibly start practicing until Jo accepts that she’s beautiful. I’m not having my band members operating with low self esteem” Replies Melina, because apparently Jo’s low self esteem is more important now than preparing for their upcoming gig.

“Your band members?” Asks Regina, while Brianna groans and says “Mels is this really necessary?” 

“Yes! Of course it is” 

All three pairs of eyes fall on Johanna, one sympathetic and the other two impatient. Knowing this’ll go on for even longer than it already has Johanna has no choice but to resign herself to it 

“Fine” She says “I accept whatever compliment you were trying to pay me Melina, now can we please get to rehearsing?”

“Alright” Says the singer, but the reluctance in her voice shows that she doesn’t consider this conversation wholly over.

Which is great, because if there’s one thing that Jo absolutely definitely wants to do right now it’s talk about this again. She supposes she should just be grateful that for now she doesn’t have to worry about it. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 

Being up on stage a few days later surprisingly makes Johanna feel a little better. Having her bass strapped tightly around her feels like having armour on. Like being behind a shield. 

Similar to the show they’d been to a week ago there’s girls on the front row here too. Most of them are looking at Melina, a couple at Reg. Some might be looking at Jo but she’s too busy concentrating on what she’s playing to properly seek them out in the crowd. If they are there she wonders if they find her attractive. If maybe in the strange lighting of the pub they think she’s handsome rather than pretty. It seems unlikely. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 

“How about this?” Regina holds out some tight shirt and Johanna barely looks at it from over the top of her magazine before shaking her head. Of course her bandmates have sent Regina to help her pick out an outfit, the woman has a knack for style and for getting her own way, so naturally she’s the one they’ve assigned to ‘operation make Johanna look presentable’ Regina frowns “I thought you liked this shirt? Fine. How about this?”

“Does it really matter what I’m wearing? I’m going to be playing bass with my hands, not with my clothes” Johanna had been half hoping she’d be allowed to perform in one of her old baggy shirts. Loose clothes are one of the only ways she can somewhat forget she has a physical body. 

Regina shrugs “Take it up with the boss, not me. She has some sort of idea in her head of what she wants us to look like tonight. She wants us to try being avante garde. Personally I don’t think it’ll make a difference to the music, but I suggest you suck it up just for tonight else Mels will throw a hissy fit. Are you sure you don’t like this shirt”

At this Johanna slaps the magazine down with a sigh “Look Reg, I don’t want to wear it. Can’t I just stay in this?”

Ignoring her question Regina digs further into the closet, this time emerging with a tight skirt that Jo doesn’t think she’s worn since freshman year. “Here, try this on” She tosses it across the room, and Johanna makes no effort to catch it.

“I really don’t want to” Her voice sounds far less flippant and more desperate than she’d intended it to. 

Regina frowns suspiciously “Jo, it’s a skirt. It won’t kill you”

“And me not wearing it won’t kill Melina” Johanna turns away from her. 

There’s a minute of silence before Regina asks “Is this about that conversation we had about you being pretty?” She sits down on the bed beside Jo, her voice gentler “I didn’t realise you were being serious… Look, if this is about that then I’m sorry. I didn’t realise it was something that was actually bothering you and not just Melina being Melina” 

“It’s not about that” Johanna doesn't know how to begin explaining what's really going on. Why she'd rather skin her legs with a potato peeler than wear the skirt. 

“Then what is it about?”

“You wouldn’t understand” The look of hurt on Regina’s face makes Jo regret her words instantly “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that”

Regina takes a deep breath, looking more than a little wounded “I know I’m not always good with feelings. I’m not Brianna or Melina when it comes to understanding people, but if you tell me then I’ll at least try to understand”

Her sincerity is touching, and Johanna can't help but feel compelled to tell her the truth. She doesn't want to, but maybe Regina's right. Maybe what she's feeling will make perfect sense, and she'll finally be able to move on with her life. She lowers her gaze “Recently I’ve been feeling wrong. It’s like, it’s like my body doesn’t fit me. I look in the mirror and I feel disgusting, I don’t recognise who it is looking back at me. And I’m… I think I’m jealous when I see people who look how I feel like I should look. Which I know sounds stupid but… I feel like I was born wrong. I don’t want to be pretty like Melina says I am, I want to be… Something else“ 

She looks up at Regina, feeling totally devastated when she doesn’t see any understanding or kinship there, only confusion. She breaks eye contact and tries to ignore the tears burning at the edges of her eyes “Forget it”

“Jo…” Regina is about to say something but Johanna’s done with this conversation. It was a mistake to try and bring it up. 

She stands up abruptly, deciding in that moment not to try discussing this with anyone again “I said forget it. I’ll wear the damn skirt if it’ll make Melina happy”

**Author's Note:**

> I know that's an abrupt ending but I'm trying to keep this little oneshot concise. 
> 
> If anyone was wondering I haven't used masculine or neutral pronouns for Jo in this for a couple of reasons that I can elaborate on if anyone wants me to, but the main one is I'm basing quite a lot of this on personal experience, and I'm not claiming that this'll work for everyone but my dysphoria didn't ultimately end with me transitioning, hence why the resolution to this isn't Johanna realising she's trans. Dysphoria takes a lot of different forms and everyone's experiences with it are different so bear that in mind 💕


End file.
